10. Zombies
Zombies come in at number ten on the list, now if I was a super snooty movie critic I would start talking about how zombies are all just a commentary on our consumer society and blah blah blah. That is not why the zombie is scary, the zombie is scary because zombies are your family, your friends your coworkers. In the event of a zombie attack it is a practical guarantee that at least one person you know will be bitten, and then you are going to be confronted by their shambling rotten corpse; and that is terrifying. You know what else is terrifying? Being eaten alive. Zombies have that going for them too, there is nothing more cringe-inducing than the obligatory shot of some poor schmuck getting ripped limb from limb by a mob of corpses in just about every zombie movie. The worst thing about it is that even though a living human is physically superior to a zombie, the sheer numbers of zombies eventually crowd in until you are surrounded by a crowd of stinking moaning dead people. Zombies make it onto the list at number 10 because they are our loved ones turned against us, and because being attacked by zombies is like a slow but inevitable death in quicksand. It can be postponed but never avoided.
9. Hannibal Lector
Hannibal Lector makes it onto the list at number 9 for good reasons the first one is, just look at this crazy bastard:
The mask certainly doesn't make him any less pants-crappingly horrible but its what is behind those intense and creepy eyes that really makes him nightmare fuel. Hannibal is way smarter than you or me, in fact he is the Einstein of eating people's internal organs. He is also only slightly less skilled at cutting people's faces off than number five on this list. In most horror movies people die because they are mind-numbingly stupid. How many times have you said "Don't go into the creepy abandoned warehouse!" or "Turn the Goddamn lights on before you go into the basement!" But with Hannibal it doesn't matter what type of precautions you take, you could be locked into a concrete box Criss Angel style and if he wanted to kill you, you would be a dead man walking. Adding his cannibalism to his massive evil intellect definitely makes Mr. Lecter a guy I for one would not want to sit down and have a beer with.
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| Yes, Criss. He is on the roof. Baste yourself in a nice pineapple glaze and maybe it will be quick. |
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8. Michael Myers
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| Trick or Treat |
Michael Myers is like a giant serial-killing mime, and that makes me want to pee in my pants. He usually murders the ever-loving crap out of his relatives and whoever he damn-well pleases on Halloween, which works out pretty well for him because that is the only time you can run around with a sharp implement in a spray painted William Shatner mask (seriously) and not get arrested. What makes Michael so terrifying is the fact that he is "truly evil" in the eyes of his psychiatrist. Dr. Loomis in Halloween says this "there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong" he is completely catatonic when not murdering the hell out of everyone. He is pretty much a murder machine that only has 2 settings: Off and KILL. Another terrifying thing about him is that Michael is a normal human being despite his insanity, and yet he is able to fend off bullet wounds, and take a rusty coat hanger to his eyeball without skipping a beat, these factors as well as a creepy ass William Shatner mask combine to make him a horrifying monster and a mainstay in the nightmares of thousands.
7. The Greys
These next guys are creepy on a whole different level. Probably because the movie these guys show up in that scares me the most claims to be based on a true story. Greys are the terms for those little grey aliens with the big black eyes, If their creepy appearance doesn't weird you out enough already 1 out of 5 people believe these guys or something similar are real according to a Reuters poll.
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| Oh god. |
As if their creepy appearance wasn't enough to make you want to hide under a blanket, these things go around acting like we are their lab rats, abducting us, probing people god knows where, and mutilating the bejezzus out of our cattle for their own unfathomable reasons. The fact that these things are smarter and more technologically advanced, and so foreign to humans makes them really ominous and scary. Add to that the fact that its up in the air whether they are actually real or not and I am about to build a anti-butt-probing bunker in my backyard.
6. The Thing
The Thing is another nasty bastard from outer space, the horrible thing about him is that it can make itself look like anyone, even your dog. Once it has you alone or if you start to suspect it of being inside your buddy or inside Fido the fun begins. Your friend or your dog turns into a terrible parody of whatever it used to be, growing tentacles, new mouths, and God only knows what else before it rips you into tiny little giblets. Not only is this thing just straight up horrible and deadly, it also has the ability to sleep in suspended animation beneath the antarctic ice for 10,000 years or so, and it can even build a flying saucer out of scrap machinery.
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| You can never un-see this |
5. Leatherface
Number five is a sick sick hillbilly based of real life sicko Ed-Gein. Mr. Gein was a necrophilliac, grave robber, murderer, and a pretty snappy dresser. (If you like tailored human skin garments). Tobe Hooper decided to cut out the whole necrophillia angle and add in a chainsaw, and a nightmare for the ages was born.
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| The tie makes it even creepier |
Leatherface is truely grotesque, the guy wears a cheap suit probably taken off a corpse, a tie, a butcher's apron, and a mask made out of people's faces. Yes that's correct his mask is: Made. Out. Of. Peoples. Faces. Add onto that already grisly picture the fact that he likes to go to town on people with a chainsaw, probably the least humane way you could kill someone, and you have the rocket-grade nightmare fuel. Honestly if I had to choose between boiling oil and Leatherface as my cause of death I would choose the boiling oil, at least I wouldn't die with vocal cords raw from screaming in sheer gibbering madness.
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| A compelling argument for staying in shape |
4. Hungry Ghosts
Hungry ghosts are spirits out of asian folklore, and they will scare the shit out of you. You may be wondering where an obscure asian folktale was featured in film and what was so scary about it?
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| Remember Her? |
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| This is why I sleep with the blanket over my face |
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| And this is why I need to change my pants everytime there is static on the tv. |
Yeah, Ju-On, Ringu, and their American counterparts The Grudge and The Ring are examples of hungry ghosts. These aren't the kind of ghosts that any rotor rooter guys can go looking for on the Sci-Fi channel, these mofos are seriously nasty. The hungry ghost isn't necessarily incorporeal like our traditional western spirits, they can and will come back from beyond the veil and rip your face off for no other reason than they are pissed off ghosts. Of course they can still materialize and dematerialize at will, walk through walls and make spooky noises like our lame ass European ghosts. But that is all just the warm up for when they murder the hell out of whoever so much as looks at them cross-eyed. The hungry ghosts in Ju-On and the Grudge get bonus creep points for the horrible noises they make.
3. Xenomorphs
You may be asking yourself, "What the hell is a Xenomorph?" The Xenomorph is the name given to the alien species immortalized in the penultimate sci-fi horror film "Alien." I am honestly not sure where they got the name xenomorphs from in the first place, it may not be mentioned in any of the films. I know for a fact however it is referred to in the comic books and videogames that have spawned off of this behemoth of an entertainment franchise. What makes these things so horrible is the fact that they are multifaceted killing machines. Their entire life cycle requires death upon horrific death to make it possible. To be born these little beasts need to burst out of a living being's chest, they spend the rest of their lives just killing everything that comes near them, and when they finally die, their acid blood will go on to probably kill again, or at least burn so bad you would wish you were dead. Add to their terrible reproductive habits their absolutely terrifying appearance with multiple jaws, shiny teeth, and inexhaustible slime covering their black carapaces, really just the fact that they look like a demon specifically fashioned out of devil penises by Satan himself; and you have one scary sonofabitch. I had never even seen Alien but just from seeing a picture of one of the aliens when I was a kid gave me some serious cold-sweat nightmares.
http://aliens.wikia.com/wiki/Xenomorph
2. Slenderman
To me Slenderman is the scariest thing out there, however due to his obscurity I decided to give him the number 2 spot. Slenderman is the horrible driving force behind the Marble Hornets webseries on youtube. I refuse to watch Marble Hornets if It is dark and I am alone, it is that face-meltingly terrifying. The Slender Man or Slenderman is a creepy monster who preys on children or sometimes adults, really there is nothing that can put into words how scary this guy is you just need to go watch Marble Hornets on Youtube and then be scarred for life.
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| Too scared to make smart ass comment |
1. The Devil
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| Ouija board at your own risk. |
Really what can I say about number 1 on the list? He is evil personified. Most people believe he is real, I know I do, and if that dosent scare the crap right out of you, you sir (or madam) have balls of steel. The devil really has it all as far as evil is concerned: Absolute hatred for mankind? Check. Horrifying supernatural power? Check. The ability to bring out the worst in people? Check. Machiavellian schemes? Check. Really this guy is the total package as far as nightmare machines go, he spawns antichrists all over the damn place, possess little girls for no reason, and is generally just a huge dick, the only way to thwart him is to just hope that you are really really lucky and God has plans for you. Otherwise you might as well just kiss your ass goodbye right then and there.
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| For the low price of your soul you too can have a bitchin beard. |
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